After enduring another day-long trip through the surreal terrain that is the Esher painting of my life (attached is a recent photo of my office), I read sections A and B of the Dallas Morning News, as opposed to just the box scores in the baseball section of the sports page. I found that the world is indeed going to shit on a hotplate. Oh, don't get me wrong, it's been careening down this shitpipe since well before the usurpation of Senatorial power by the Roman Emperors, but we're in the last stages of the dive, and I've got my bow rosined and my fiddle tuned. Tonight, we look at evidence of Vatican denial, the recent adventures of Atom Ant, and crazy people with paint buckets. It ain't fiction, it's the news...
It's your weekly
1) Vatican says one fuck-up ain't enough, two kids is one too many. In a PR move not seen since the second Nixon administration, the Vatican said today that their priests will only get launched after buggering TWO kids. That's right folks, despite the outrage from various parishes the world over at the conduct of these men of God, the Pope sez Nope. The vast insipidity of this move staggers the imagination. If God is awake and watching this little freak show, I bet he's laughing his ass off at this little turn. A group of men, who have forsworn the hairy subject out of devotion to a higher cause, will not be cast from their respective holy orders after being found groping, buggering, or sweating profusely at the sight of children. Only after they've been given "due process", which the Vatican defines as a second chance, (and what I define as a clear admission that the Church would be shit outta priests by the end of the year,) will these criminals be cast out of Holy Mother Church. This can't be right, Carlin dreamed this shit up, right? Just when you thought that they had maxxed out their stupid points after five Crusades and the Inquisition, the Roman dictator may just piss off an entire generation of believers. Vivendo sacerdotium!
2) "He just said 'GO!', and we all ran away." In case you were all wondering what had happened to that pop icon known during the Reagan era as Atom Ant, he got arrested after holding a pub full of Englishmen at bay with a fucking starting pistol. Apparently, Atom pleaded (pled?) guilty on Tuesday to brawling in a North London pub. According to the prosecutor, this walking fashion statement walked into a bar, in London for Chrissake, dressed in full cowboy regalia. When his fellow patrons (and I ain't making this shit up, kids) started laughing and whistling the theme from The Good,the Bad, and the Ugly, the 47 year old singer pulled his piece... er...his starting pistol and threatened the astonished onlookers. I don't even have to work very hard for this one. This guy who was born in the fucking Eisenhower administration feels insecure enough about his clothing to warrant threatening people with a drive by starting. I want to know who called the cops on this guy. I mean who could possibly have dialed 911 through the fucking tears of laughter? Who could have really wanted to press charges against this guy? Hell, I'd have given him a fiver and told him to show up again on Tuesday. This is better than most stand-up that I've seen lately. Jesus wept, what a fuck up.
3) "One move and I'll paint your office." Laura says this is better than the Atom Ant story. Some 49 year old guy who, according to his mother, suffers from depression and can't hold down a job, apparently lost his ever loving fucking mind on Monday. Tired of receiving junk mail postcards, this guy walked into the ad agency who prints and mails them and demanded that they stop. When the receptionist stopped his tirade so she could get a manager in on this little party, the guy runs out into the parking lot, retrieves a gallon of paint out of his truck, and procedes to apply a somewhat uneven coat to the a computer, a desk, and the surrounding walls. Then (and this is journalism at it's best) "Ignoring pleas to stop, [he] splashed white paint on the employee as well". The fucking paper interviewed his mom. She said of the veritable glut of junk mail: "You get so much. You start spilling your mail all over the ground and making a mess. No matter what you say, they keep sending it. He's called everybody." I love it. Hey folks, when I finally fucking snap and roll my truck over a platoon of senior citizens waiting for the bus, somebody please call my Mom. Her number is (806) 795-2470. Tell her what happened and tell her to call the newspaper. She'll figure out something good. "This has been coming for some time," she'd say, "Larry's Father was as crazy as Dad's old hat, and his step-father was as worthless as a Bible in a titty bar. I thought he'd do it years ago. I'll bet those old fuckers had it coming."
C'mon, Hitler's mom blamed the Prussian public schooling, for the love of God..."
5) "But Dad, I was just pointing at the clouds..." This wasn't in the paper, but I gotta let this one go. There I am, pulling out of my driveway, with my 14 year old talking barnacle in the car with me, when we see the neighbor's 4 year old kid playing in his front yard. I wave in a friendly way as I see him advance to the curb acting like he's got something to say. I roll down the window and smile, when this little shit grins like he invented teeth and flips me the bird! You gotta be shitting me! Joel says, "ooooh, bad move," as I jack the car into reverse and pull curbside. The boy flees inside the house like a French conscript. I go tell the old man that his boy just gave me the 2d Bn, 3d Marine greeting of the day and the guy acts like I'm a Jehovah's Witness trying to sell him a vacuum cleaner. I'm sorry, but if someone came to me telling me that Daniel had arbitrarily rendered the Lubbock peace sign, I'd thank them politely and apologize for my brat's behavior before jerking a half hitch outta that kid's ass. I know that I got beat for doing that kind of shit, and I know that I beat Joel like a runaway slave for doing that to my mother-in-law (it took all the discipline I could muster not to tip him a fiver, though). I hope that the guy next door didn't mind me shearing all the hair off of his cat...
6) "In a statement from the Oval Office, the President expressed his sincere wish that Mr. DiCaprio shut his fucking gob about environmental issues." Dennis Leary talked about this a few years ago, but apparently nobody listened. Who are these media clowns who think that their jobs as entertainers give them the green light to run their man pleasers about shit that has absofuckinglutely nothing to do with acting, movies, music, or academy awards. Yesterday, the star of that tribute to the power of women to get men to see movies that they wouldn't be caught dead seeing, I speak of Leonardo DiCaprio, got up in front of a microphone and derided the country of his birth as the biggest polluter in the world before pleading with President Bush to attend the Earth Summit. Apparently, his role in Titanic has given him a unique perspective on the various and sundry ways that the US has surpassed the former USSR in production of materials which are hazardous to life on Earth. Apparently, this kid hasn't the sense God gave lemmings. Apparently, this wart on the genetalia of society missed the news the day that they announced that we are fighting a war. Apparently, this blight on the crop of mankind thinks that President Bush has nothing better to do than go where he dictates. Whatthemotherfuck??? Who are these people? You didn't see James Dean or Steve McQueen doing shit like this because they had the good sense to stick to what they knew. (Drinking and Driving) You didn't hear Marilyn decrying the plight of whales. You never saw Clark Gable whining about Tibetan civil rights, or speaking to our "awareness" of this issue or that. Know why? ‘Cause they knew nobody wanted to hear their bullshit, that's why. What changed since then? Mike Cochran nailed it on the head a few months ago: we began to recognize Beatle's songs as a viable alternative to sound international and domestic policy. Don't believe it? Once these parasites figured out that they could sway public opinion about the war in Vietnam by putting out such tripe as "All you need is Love" and "Give peace a Chance", (I'll bet Neville Chamberlain would debate that shit...) every singer, actor, comedian, and mime figured that they were completely free to spew their every inanity to a willing public. We, the sheeple, would nod in recognition of their superior logic on such critical subjects as baby seals and the rights of animals. We would all stop wearing any fabric that was the result of the death of sentient beings and we would eat yogurt and fucking tofu for the rest of time. We would live in some huge commune where all we would do is take drugs, wear hideous clothing, and copulate like crack-addicted lab rats.
Fortunately, no one in the entire South, Midwest, or Texas owned FM radios until the Carter administration. What's more, because we didn't know who they were, when they stopped for gas while navigating through our territory, we mistook them as Comanche bent on destroying our homes and raping our womenfolk, and we shot them. Twice. In the Face. With a Large-bore Rifle. ("Imagine" this motherfucker.)Thus, these territories remain largely free from the siren call of idiocy from such human debris as Rosie, Leo, Barbara Striesand, Alec Baldwin, and Oprah fucking Winfrey. We realize that Rosie is a skewer away from feeding a family of five for a solid winter. We think that Barbara should have her vocal cords removed and replaced with those of Barry White. We firmly believe that Alec was hit on the top of the head repeatedly as a child with a small tack hammer. And we know in our heart of hearts that Oprah was sent to this planet to take over after consuming every scrap of food on the fucking planet. God bless Fly over country. God bless the Sticks.
(Matt has repeatedly told me that this space would be improved with fewer expletives. I found, after staring vapidly at the screen for twenty goddamned minutes searching my brain for an apt aphorism that didn't include the word "fuck" or "shit", that I write like I think, and that cutting out expletives completely throws me off my idiom. Apologies, Matt. I gotta be me, I just gotta be me...)