In order to put most of my comments in context, I'll need to show you about five or six more archived copies from the archives. This one contains some explanation of my childrens' relative malignancy. It is from early 2003, when Joel was fourteen, Sarah was ten, and Daniel was six. This is why I have more security cameras in this place than the vault at the Belagio...
Unclean
- The pervasiveness of the computer age astounds me.
I just found out that my kids bought a third world country on ebay. Yup. No Shit. True story.
Joel, Sarah, and Daniel put their savings together and put down the winning bid on Surinam. It's a country located in South America between Guyana and french Guyana. They got it for like seventy-five bucks. The UN recognized their sovereignty in special session this morning. Joel is the UN delegate, Sarah is the Minister of the Interior, and Daniel has agreed to be the Prime Minister. Nobody wanted to take that last position because the PM has a life expectancy of about a week, but Joel pointed out correctly that Daniel is the youngest and thus gets third pick. Sarah has made assurances that her Secret Police, whom she has named Niñas de Satanás, should be able to protect Daniel indefinitely, but I have my doubts. The last poor bastard that had that job was strung up inside of a month. I would intercede and tell them to stop this nonsense, but Surinam has some pretty good untapped oil resources, and I think I can teach the kids to rule in a reasonably beneficent manner. Sarah scares me though. She's already taken to wearing a monocle, and becomes irate when anyone addresses her in the first or second person. She calls herself "La Reina de Solana" and will not return any calls, so don't even bother.
It's not fatherhood, it's animal husbandry. It's...
BILE
Volume XV
European Criticism, History of Western Civilization 1301, and the Wonder of Different Genetalia
1) "In today's elections, Ronald McDonald replaced jacques chirac as the french Prime Minister, as well as the Chancellor of Germany..." Look, this is not trigonometry, folks. We lost thousands of innocents in a bombing of the tallest building in the world. We are pissed about it and we won't rest until we shoot enough people in the face, who were affiliated with the crime, to assuage our conscience. Further, we have access to the most advanced crime labs in the world, to find out the culprits. We have the most advanced intelligence gathering apparati in the world, to pursue them. We have the most powerful military in the world, to track them down and kill them. All that we need is a true strategic foothold in the middle east to better surveil and prosecute the apprehension of those responsible, those affiliated with those responsible, and those who abetted those responsible. We gotta guy who claims the land around the Tigris and the Euphrates and who has gaffed us off for the past ten years and done exactly the shit that we warned him to stop doing. Sowhatsthefuckingproblem?
The problem is either one of jealousy of our ability to do just whatever the fuck we want, or complicity in the scheme to begin with.
france has shown, since the day we interrupted their German language classes in March/April of '45, a proclivity to stand on the sidelines and bitch because we either don't ask their permission before we take action, or we take action with their full knowledge, but in a manner which they feel is precipitous and over-aggressive. They withdrew from NATO, they became socialists, they bitched about the Quadafi bombings, they bitched about the first Gulf War. Shut the fuck up already. They clearly feel some need to act like the wise older brother, or uncle, telling us young'uns how we should slow down and consider the big picture before we act hastily.
That breaks down when the older brother, or uncle, has lost his fucking house twice through two divorces and had his shit taken from him completely after declaring chapter eleven three different times. Especially when we've posted bail for the worthless fucker on two different occasions...
Look, I took Western Civ 1301 from a man whom the students referred to as "Red Ed" Troyansky. He was as big a francophile as has ever been born. He loved pointing out that the french helped us out at Yorktown. He wallowed in the french revolution, and he took great pains explaining that it was something that was unequaled to that point in European History. However, he was somewhat mute when I brought up the fact that Cromwell had revolted in England a hundred-thirty years before the french rev, and that the U.S. had revolted against a European monarchy ten years prior. (I'm positive that is why he gave me a "C" in Civ and a "C" in Middle-Eastern history the next semester...) The french have contributed jackshit to this whole indo-european culture deal. Their cheese is nasty, their wine is overrated, and their women are hairy. The only reason people speak glowingly of the french womenfolk is because they're easy. Ever wonder where the term "pogey-bait" came from, when speaking of candy? HMMMM? Well, I grew up next door to a retired squadron commander of B-24 Liberators. The guy was a stud, who flew over twenty missions in War 2, including Ploesti where 33% casualties were inflicted on allied aircraft. He told me that between War 1 and War 2, after france lost pretty much every marrying age male to indirect fire, that frenchwomen were literally throwing themselves at American servicemen in order to get out of the post war squalor. They were termed "Pogeys" and could be lured into just about any liaison with the promise of a Hershey bar. Thus: "Pogey-bait". No shit. Don't believe me? Ask an old guy, he'll tell ya...
If the french are complicit in the plot to bring us down, and I would not rule that out, then they should be the next target after we get through in Iraq. It'll be a weekend. We could do it with a rifle platoon. I mean, shit...the only military organization that they have with anything close to a reputation is the Foreign Legion, and those guys, by law, can't be french. I think the fucking prosecution rests.
Germany. Why the hell Germany is standing around with their hands in their pockets is beyond me. I mean, think about it. Since Arminius kicked the living shit outta the Legions in year 9, the Germans have been pretty damned bellicose. By all rights, they should be looking for a reason to work out the rust against an Arab nation. Validate new weapons systems, keep it relevant, stay ready to invade france again with little loss of life...you know.
Instead, their Chancellor is making noise that sounds somewhat....frenchy. GWB is too aggressive, they say. He's analogous to Hitler, they say. We should consider giving peace a chance, they say. Sad. At least throughout the cold war, one could respect the West and East Germans for at least giving the appearance of being able to defend themselves. Now they're talking like cheese-eating surrender monkeys, and adhering to what St Michael C. referred to as "using lyrics from a Beatles song as a basis for sound domestic and foreign policy."
ATTENTION FORMER WORLD POWERS WHO HAVE BEEN RELEGATED TO SUPPORTING ROLES ON THE WORLD STAGE: EITHER GET A NAVY WORTH A SHIT, OR SIT DOWN AND SHUT YOUR FUCKING MAN PLEASERS. THANK YOU.
2) "Tell me the truth, SSgt. Do these Dress Blues make me look fat?" This is something that I really haven't dealt with in these pages very much. Why? Hell, I don't know why, I guess I'm falling down on the job here lately. But it's something that is really coming to the fore with regards to the social makeup of this country. The feminization of this nation goes apace, and there ain't a lot stopping it. Do I have any evidence of this trend, you ask. Well, fuck. Take a look around. Men are going to great lengths to act like women, even those of the heterosexual bent, and women are going to extreme lengths to act like men. I want to know why. Once upon a time, we had a good system. Men acted like they had a set. Women acted like they didn't. Seemed to work. No?
I can't point to it's exact beginning, but sometime within the last twenty or thirty years, we started acting like this and it's thrown the whole system into a frenetic duality that seems to contradict the last 10,000-plus years of evolution. Need evidence? Watch any sitcom on network TV (excepting The Simpsons, Groening tells it like it is) and you'll see the lead male part act in ways that were never contemplated by the creator when he endowed us with Johnnies. Please, somebody, write back and identify for all of us any mainstream network program that portrays a male that we might wish to emulate. It ain't out there. I don't watch much TV outside of Baseball, Football, and old movies, but the latest respectable prime-time male lead on a network program was on "The Cosby Show" , or "Married with Children". If somebody has seen different, (and Hank Hill's got issues, goddamnit) by all means, let me know.
And women roles in the media? GI Jane? Sound familiar? How about the detective movie that Kathleen Turner did or the western that Sharon Stone bombed in? Hmmmm? C'mon, I know we're past the whole Leave it to Beaver age, and I'm actually kinda glad about that, but just be women. There is dignity in that. Much more dignity than acting like a guy, because most of us don't act dignified when we're around you anyway...
We've become indistinguishable. Men and Women. You've got men with earrings and women on Naval ships. Men nowadays try to be something that has never, ever worked for them: sensitive.
We're not sensitive. We can't be. We have dicks. I'm sorry. It's the truth. My wife, God bless her, is trying to stop smoking, and I just got through being a huge asshole to her, undoubtedly causing her to desire a smoke. Sorry. It's just the way I'm built. I try, but I fail, because I have a dick. It's fucking biology, whatcanItellya.
And I'm not saying that we should just shit on people and blame it on our Ho-hos. What I'm trying to convey is that we will shit in our shoes because it is biologically impossible for us not to. We can't fly, we can't nurse infants, we can't give birth. We can't be sensitive. It ain't in us. Buy a fucking cat.
But, on the other hand, you women out there, stop trying to be men. We can't be sensitive, you can't keep up with us when it comes to physical exertion, and you can't handle it emotionally when we yell at you for not acting like a guy.
But look at what we've done here. Kids are confused nowadays because all of the above has become confused. Not only can my kids not display their sense of humor and laugh during class without being beaten down (as I was, and as Sarah is daily), now they can't act out in anyway that is socially healthy. Kids are getting suspended for kissing, for Chrissake. What are we doing here? I'll tell ya what we're doing, we are dooming our kids to becoming the selfsame, boring, mass produced parts that we dreaded as teenagers, and despise as adults.
The solution is simple. Have faith in yourself as a member of whatever gender you happen to be. There is no shame in acting like a man. There is less shame in acting like a lady. There is a difference between the two, (thank God), and the difference is really great, so let's stop blurring the lines and just enjoy the civility that was once present when the world was a little more simple, and everybody knew which set of genetalia they were endowed with. Thank you.
3) "This guy's fucking lost it..."
You know it. Stay where you are. Nobody move, nobody get hurt.
-People who try to pass off a ton of shit in an express checkout lane, I am buying a cattle prod tomorrow. If I count more than fifteen items, I will jam it in your ass. You've been warned. Don't be surprised if you wake up wondering what the fuck hit you...
-EVERYBODY IN THIS GREAT NATION: GET SOME WALKING AROUND MONEY. I'm serious, stop paying for a half-pint of Half n’ Half with a check, stop putting a pack of smokes on your credit card, and don't debit a candy bar. STOP WASTING MY MOTHERFUCKING TIME.
-Media fools: while I do possess a dick, I refuse to watch your reality bullshit on the off chance of seeing attractive women. For the love of God, stop pandering to me like this. The fact that you think that you can manipulate me so easily is actually insulting. Pay a screenwriter and some actors to act out an actual plot line that is more complicated than "Ross" going to the store and running into an old girlfriend, or "Joey" attempting to open a quart carton of milk. That in itself would be a novelty. Casting agents, please stop putting John Ritter in your programs. Thank you in advance.
Epilogue: As I explained to Matt and Mikey C, last night ended abruptly not quite due to writer's block, but more like a torn mental ACL. It became too hard, and when it doesn't flow, it ain't worth the hackneyed attempt. Thus, I let it go and saved up for this evening. It did help that I was inundated all day with articles slamming the french and Europe in general, and I encourage you to send all word that you find outrageous (I'm holding the Southwest Airlines discrimination suit until I'm particularly drunk...) and I'll get it in. Precious few things escape my general angst, and I can formulate an opinion about damned near anything, so send me all the weird shit that you can find (excepting the cannibalism of genetalia, Dave. Some things are too fucking weird, even for me.) I look forward to your input.
With a pocketful of shells,
Unclean
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