21 June 2008

Bile XVII, War Protestors and Random Spleen Venting

My Friends,

This is the last bit dealing directly with my childrens' attempts at an exit strategy, following their failed attempt at governing a third world nation. Also included is some pretty funny shit about the war protestors from back in 2003. Do enjoy.


  • As if there was any doubt... Joel, Sarah, and Daniel went to the Hague and just dominated. I'm serious, I haven't seen a performance like that since Randy Johnson in the 2001 World Series.

    Daniel, as the Prime Minister of Surinam, was answerable to all the charges of Crimes against Humanity. Through Joel's coaching, and Sarah's backroom deals, it was a complete rout. Sarah had videotapes of some European diplomat screwing an underaged, slightly retarded Filipino, and she had her secret police kidnap and ransom the children of one of the tribunal members. Meanwhile, Joel had already purchased the non-judgement of one, maybe two, members of the tribunal. As soon as Daniel got up on the stand and claimed that all we wanted was "the secoowity of the wights of the induhvidual", it was over. There wasn't a dry eye in the fucking place. Not only were they absolved of everything, they were carried out of the Hague on the shoulders of the assembled gallery. I was so proud...

    Afterwards, we had a family pow-wow. No more purchasing of third world countries. No more rule by fear. No more death squads. We agreed to abide by the fourth and sixth Amendments while living under my roof. They all nodded dutifully, but you can bet your ass that I'll keep my eye on them. I caught too many meaningful glances between them to actually think that they aren't plotting their next attempt at some renewed attempt at building an empire...

    You guessed it, I sleep with a loaded weapon under the pillow, and I check the truck every morning for IED. It's ThreatCon Charlie at La Casa Del Sucio, It's...

    Volume XVII
    Human Shields, Campus Protestors, and other Sedition

    1) "You mean I not only get to blow up the electrical power for the city of Baghdad, but I get to blow up fifteen of these greasy little fucks? Shit, where do I sign?"
    It enrages me. Here we go, into the breach again, for a pretty goddamn good reason. Namely, that some crazy fuck has VX, Sarin, and probably Small Pox and Anthrax with which to completely fuck over his own citizens and some of his neighbors. Meanwhile, in some nostalgic fit of pique, we've actually had idiots from Canada, England, and the US go to Iraq, gain entry into the country, and seek to become human shields to deflect bombs and missiles that would destroy orphanages, hospitals, and the like.

    First of all, how delusional are these fuckers, huh? "Human Shields"? Are you shitting me? Webster defines a "shield" as "one that protects or defends ". Somebody kindly explain to me how some scruffy hippy wanna-be is going to protect or defend a goddamn thing besides the dime bag in his hip pocket. How is some Bob Dylan look alike going to actually stop the missiles and planes from ripping him into julienne slices? I mean, shit, that ain't a deterrent, that's a fucking incentive. That kind of shit actually makes Marines want to blow up or bomb electrical power plants. Not because of any strategic value, but for the positive evolutionary influence that it would have on the American Culture as a whole, once these evolutionary flunkies have been summarily selected out of the gene pool. Things were looking up for England, Canada, and the US. These assholes were going to be excluded from the genetic strain. According to the Washington Times, "Among the Westerners roaming Iraq now are religious groups, peace activists, solidarity seekers, and human shields - those who are so committed to preventing a war that they are, effectively, daring their own governments to kill them as well as Iraqi civilians." Stay committed, I say. Please, I beg you. Just stay there for another week or so...

    Suddenly, today I heard bad news. The Human Shields had bugged out of Iraq.


    Again, according to the Washington Times: "On Friday, the head of Sweden's largest peace organization urged the human shields to leave, saying they were being used for propaganda purposes by Saddam Hussein."

    Yafuckingthink? Really? Propaganda? You mean this guy ain't a communist from whom we can derive some sense of base identity with, as a formerly oppressed colonial territory? You mean Saddam is a dictator who only wishes to hold onto power for as long as he can, using the corpses of any whom he can find to aid him in his attempt to appear as a poor supplicant to the aggression of the US government? I'm fucking shocked. No...No. I can't go on with this. It's too much...

    Wait a sec. Give me a second to take all of this in. The idiocy of it, that is. You mean to tell me that these peacenik motherfuckers never thought for a second that Saddam could be using them as propaganda? That it never occurred to these dolts that they might be used by a man known worldwide as the "Butcher of Baghdad" as a means to his own end? Really now. Seriously.

    These people should be welcomed back into these United States. Give 'em a parade, I say. Into Times Square. Give them a medal. Then, when they are most at ease, smiling, waving, happy...shoot them. Twice. Preferably, in the head.

    As I said earlier today to a couple of you: What does it say about the modern culture, that even the protestors, the self-proclaimed disenfranchised, and the oppressed opposition have an attention span that is only slightly shorter than an adult cocker-spaniel?

    No wonder the world thinks we're a bunch of weak idiots...

    2) "Dude, we're at Cal Berkley. We need to protest something or other..." I read some shit today that St Michael sent me that talked about a buncha college kids scheduling protests against the war in between classes. Like this makes them somehow more responsible than their parents, who were just stoned outta their minds and could give a shit about their 9:20 A.M. Statistics class.

    Hey, you college students. Realize something here. Your parents were stoned and protesting in the late 60's because: a) Ganja was relatively cheap; and b) they were terrified of getting drafted. Period. End of analysis. They realized that if they bilged out of college, they were going to end up in Vietnam. So they protested, in the most passionate manner that they could, out of simple self-preservation and cowardice. They were America's best and brightest, and they denied her utterly.

    So, where does that leave these scruffy, scroungy, fuckers who are up in arms over the impending conflict in Iraq? It makes them look like spoiled children, that's where.

    They won't be drafted. They won't carry a rifle into this fight. There they are, living on either Daddy's stipend or a Stafford Loan, drinking for 16 hours a day, going to class when it occurs to them, and fucking anything that moves during the hours in between. Meanwhile, there are PFCs and LCpls of the same age on the Line of Departure right now who are ready to kill and/or die for their right to do whatever the fuck they want.

    Kids. Children. Get A Fucking Job. Contribute to the fund of human dignity and stop trying to be Kurt Cobain. Cobain is dead, because he was weak, and because his wife and his heroin habit caused him to want to die. Not because he was downtrodden. So quit it and start acting like adults. Emulate that LCpl on the LOD, who exists on personal pride and an unwillingness to allow others to see him in an unfavorable light. Appreciate the sacrifice being made for you, you narcissistic brats, and do your best to earn the price being paid for your continued state of prosperity by men of your same age who decided to serve the Republic.

    Or not. I'll tell you what else you can do if you want to feel that you're oppressed. C'mon over to my place tonight. It's two-for-one ass-whoopin' night at La Casa Del Sucio. Women have no cover charge. C'mon over and my kids will whip the ever-loving-fucking shit outta you, and one of your friends, for no charge whatsoever. None. It's all part of the service. Then you can go back to your dorm and talk about how "the man" beat you down. Black eyes are free, and we have a special on broken noses. Please, come on down to 1908 Camille St between eight o'clock and midnight, and we'll beat the bloody piss out of you for no reason whatsofuckingever. My Kids are standing by to persecute you...

    3) "Somebody needs to stop that guy"

    Bring a lunch, motherfucker. Otherwise, shut the fuck up and pay attention, I'm throwing out pearls here.

    -Ever notice that 90% of the stories you read about that deal directly with the deployed troops in the Middle East center around the experiences of female servicemembers? Why is that?

    -The Soviets had their political officers, to ensure that the commanders were fighting, leading, and developing their subordinates in a politically correct manner. Can somebody tell me why we have Public Affairs Officers and Staff Judge Advocates embedded with these deploying units?

    -Quick. Everybody read T. R. Fehrenbach's This Kind of War. He analyzes why we got our asses kicked in Korea before September of 1950, and during the retreat from the Yalu in late '50-early '51. It applies directly to the state of the DoD today, and is frightening as hell. Between '45 and '50, the administration whacked the hell out of the military, adopted policies that weakened the warrior ethos, and treated professional soldiers like yardworkers. We got our ass kicked as a result. We've done the same thing since Billy Jeff got elected in '92. I haven't slept in a week...

    EpilogueI'm afraid that I must confess something to you now. I, like Dan Quayle, have been dodging the prospect of combat. I decided to become an active duty Marine officer, and asked again to become an infantryman, because I knew that I would be left on I&I duty in Bossier City, LA during the biggest conflict since War 2. I am ashamed. Shoot me, please.

    "Grandpa, what did you do in the Marines during the Great War?"
    "Sonny, I gave away toys to underprivileged children during the Toys for Tots campaign in Shreveport, Louisiana..."

    How long? Not long. 'Cause what you reap is what you sow

No comments: